We're all going to die- Headlines

With all that’s been happening in the news recently, it’s looking more and more like the world will come to an end, the shit will hit the fan, or the Russians are just going to to and try and take over everything. For those of you that aren’t news junkies, a primer in current events that is easy to understand...

“The Russians flew out to Guam in bombers like they did during the Cold War, waved, and went home for no shit reason”
What this means for your weekend: Get ready for Cold War, Part Deux.
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/08/09/russia.sorties.reut/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

“Pakistani President thinks about calling a State of Emergency, then doesn’t”
What this means for your weekend: The US backs unscrupulous power-hungry leaders... but what else is new?
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/08/pakistan.emergency.ap/index.html#cnnSTCText

“Heat wave makes the South hotter and smellier than usual”
What this means for your weekend: Global warming is real people, get the fuck used to it.
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601086&sid=aqDBK7WcnE3Q&refer=latin_america

“US stock market looses billions of dollars cause of shady lending practices and fucks with the world economy”
What this means for your weekend: Don’t buy big houses that you can’t afford. Also, lobby for mandatory finance classes at your local high school so that this shit doesn’t happen. Or just remember that banks are evil and there is not such thing as free money.
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/BUSINESS/08/09/bnp.funds.reut/index.html

“China thinks about fucking with us cause we’re mad at them for making shitty stuff”
What this means for your weekend: China won’t be our bitch anymore. Don’t fuck with the people that make your shit, has a bigger army, and holds trillions of dollars in US Treasury bonds and liquid currency reserves in their banks. If you don’t know what that means, Wikipedia it.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/main.jhtml?xml=/money/2007/08/07/bcnchina107a.xml

“Fewer hurricanes in 2007”
What this means for your weekend: That’s bullshit. Murphy’s Law people, come on. Besides, didn’t you learn not to trust these people during the Katrina mess???
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/08/09/hurricanes.outlook.ap/index.html

Dear Man Who Beat Up a "Vampire" Peacock in a NYC Burger King Parking Lot,

From CNN.com http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/07/01/vampire.peacock.ap/index.html

Hello Man Who Beat Up a "Vampire" Peacock in a NYC Burger King Parking Lot,

Above, you will see two pictures. One is a vampire (kind of). The other is of a peacock, a tropical bird. I don't know if it was drugs, lack of sleep, a Sci-Fi Channel Marathon or a combination of any of the three, but WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

First of all, what the hell is a peacock doing in a Burger King parking lot in New York Fucking City??? Second of all, why attack it? Third, how the hell does a peacock resemble a VAMPIRE? Peacocks are small colorful birds with huge ass tails. Vampires are undead creatures of the night who must consume human blood to survive and sleep in coffins. I don't see the connection.

But then again, I've never done acid. That must be it. An acid trip gone, as they so often do, awry. That's why you went to a Burger King in the first place, then saw people feeding a peacock, and thought "OH SHIT! VAMPIRE ATTACKER! MUST KILL" and beat it to a pulp.

The only part of this story that you showed some sense in is that once the New York's Finest showed up, you ran like bloody hell. And for that, I saw thank you from the bottom of my pointy, little black heart.

Cause the LAST thing this country needs is a Law and Order: SVU episode based from this incident.

Cause peacocks aren't special victims. Now if you, for example, beat this special creature to death, then, my friend, we have good SVU material. And no, it's not a Photoshop job...


Love,

Me

Dear Oil Company Execs,

Hello. First let me congratulate you on the spectacular past few years that you have been having. ExxonMobil in particular- as of 2007, you are the wealthiest company in the entire world. Your market value is $410.735 billion with record profits of $42.5 million. What are you going to do with all of that money?

May I suggest investing more money into renewable resources and alternative sources of energy? Or at least beginning to develop ways to extract oil from shale deposits and tar sands? Because, there will be a day, not so far off in the future, when there is no more oil to be had. Anywhere.

Lets start off with a little history/geology/chemistry primer. Oil comes from the decayed remnants of plants and animals who died long, long ago. These remnants were subjected to eons of pressure and heat. Now, since we know that a finite number of organisms have lived, died and decayed on this planet, we can easily conclude that there is a limited supply of light, sweet crude oil. Keep that in mind. Fast forward a few million years. In 1854 a man named Ignacy Lukasiewicz struck black gold for the first time in Poland. In the 153 years since, we have extracted, according to conservative estimates, almost half of the oil that exists.

At this time I feel the need to share with you that I have found no scientific evidence supporting a Keebler-elf like oil factory in the bowels of the planet; no endless river of LSC rushing about in the mantle. And I Googled it, and checked Wikipedia. I was through. Just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.

The forward thinking man who thought to scientifically plot out how much oil we have consumed was named M. King Hubbert. When his projections were first released in 1956, he claimed that at current consumption and discovery rates, we would have drilled up half of all the world's oil in 1995. The numbers were later revised to 2010.

Now, this means that eventually, maybe as soon as in your grandchildren's lives, there will be a time, if current consumption and discovery trends continue, that there will be no more oil to be had. Anywhere. The nations of the world have built an economy based on cheap, easily available petrol. When oil becomes expensive, rationed or impossible to obtain, the world economy will implode. This means that when your grandchildren and their children receive their obscenely huge oil-money inheritances from you, they will have nothing to spend it on. Because life as we know it will have come crashing to a halt.

I'm not here to preach. I am concerned for the future welfare of not only the world as we know it, but also for your companies and the health of your stock. As a caring and concerned citizen, I feel that it is my duty to make sure that you are aware of what is going on.

Now, for some good news- and there is a lot of it. In order to continue your collective oligarchy on energy production, may I suggest cornering the market in every available alternative energy source in every country? Right now, there are so many pesky, small businesses receiving government grants to produce technologies that will decrease demand for your product! Please, show some initiative and out do these little whippersnappers. ExxonMobil, this is especially for you, you guys have $42.5 billion to spend! Go build a few wind turbines in the Midwest, slap up your logo and start making money! In fact, you could erect them in high-traffic areas (like alongside freeways) and put up billboards as well! Think of the advertising dollars! And the great PR! Or, what about BP brand solar panels in the Southwest? Again, the money you stand to make on advertising alone is just, well, unholy. Or a Royal-Dutch Shell nuclear plant? That nice yellow and red seashell would look great on a nuclear cooling tower. And with world population growing exponentially, and thus energy consumption growing exponentially, you will ALWAYS be faced with a healthy demand for your products and resources.

Please take my proposals and review them with your research, financial and trends departments. Because it's not just about the health of the planet, or the survival of the human race. It's about looking to the future for the next big thing in energy, and keeping us loyal Americans happy and dependent on your products for generations upon generations to come. Please do the patriotic, capitalistic, realist and intelligent thing. Invest billions and billions of dollars in the future, and watch it pay off in ways that will be still be felt in the next thousand years.

With slick and slimy greetings,

Me

Technorati Claim

Technorati Profile